Dear freak backpack lady,

Where did you get such a total freak backpack? No, seriously, answer me. I need to know. Its not that I want one. its just that I need to make sure there aren't more people like you out there, buying these fucking ridiculous backpacks. Rubber spikes? really? rubber spikes? I could see real spikes. I mean, for self defense, or for really funny accidents on packed subway cars. And I could see rubber. No wait. I can't. Its a fucking backpack, it shouldn't be rubber. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Does it transform into a tire maybe? does it transform into an entire car? Is your backpack a decepticon? That might make me feel a little better about it I guess.

love,
Amanda

P.S. It was really gratifying to me to hear that you have embarrassing blisters. Not because you've ever been rude, but I really wanted to buy some crackers when you were at my register and I think your weird fetish act blisters are God's way of thanking me for my time.