Dear online shoppers,

I want you all to know that when you order cat food through our website, I assume you are a shut-in. Don't be upset! I'm not trying to sour our smooth relationship here. Quite the contrary. I'm just trying to let you know that I'm thinking of you! Inventing little stories about your life in my head. I'm pretty sure at least one of you has like, a time capsule apartment, and that if you invited me over for tea or something, I'd feel like I was stepping straight into 1972. By the way, I've always been very interested in time travel sooooo... seriously, about that tea invitation. I'm waiting. Dead serious. I'll come over. I'll even throw in a tin of Newman's organic chicken and liver style dinner for one of those strays you took in. I bet thats more than your kids do for you.

Love,

Amanda

P.S: Don't order two or more quarts of soy milk anymore. Its ridiculous. Seriously, a half gallon is cheaper and doesn't make you look so stupid.